The World Does Not Need More Sensitive Men
The issue isn’t a lack of sensitivity, but the shame and silence surrounding it.
“We need more sensitive men.”
Nope.
“Men need to be more sensitive.”
I disagree.
“The problem is that men just aren’t sensitive enough.”
I’m calling bullshit.
I frequently hear this idea that the world would be better, kinder, and more beautiful if men were more sensitive, that relationship problems would magically disappear, that wars would stop, and that angels would sing, but every time I hear this, I think the same thing.
Wrong.
That is not how it works.
That is not how it works because men already ARE sensitive.
Men know pain. We ache and feel angst. We get hurt and down, and we know what a frown is, how tough it can be to keep breathing sometimes, how heavy a hard conversation can be, and the misery of lingering loneliness. We feel cold and alone, get jealous and frustrated, and we’ve captured rapture in random things like eye contact and back scratches. We know the joy that bliss brings. We feel all the feels.
The problem is not men ‘being more sensitive’.
The problem is that men are encouraged to hide from our inherent sensitivity.
The problem is that men are scared to express how we feel, and many are shamed when they do.
The problem is the constant societal pressure to present ourselves as strong rocks who talk but not much more, because in the common cultural story, men are taught to play pretend, disguising who we are for the sake of fitting in.
The problem is that men who cry are teased and called ‘soft’ or ‘wuss’, told to ‘man up’, and are looked down upon.
The problem is that people talk about sensitivity as an honorable and heroic act, not a basic human condition necessary for survival.
The problem is that men keep our troubles tied up tightly inside, and we put on masks to hide behind fake smiles and live lies disguised to keep us alive, happy, and thriving, but our thoughts are destroying us.
The problem is that many men would choose to kill themselves instead of opening up about all of this.
Let’s step back a second.
If we assume that all men are sensitive men, what then? Where do we go from here? How does the charade end?
I have a few ideas.
We need more expressive men who clearly communicate and articulate who they are and why, men who don’t hide from the dark shades of color painted inside their minds, men who share what they feel.
We need more courageous men who are scared to express themselves but do it anyway, men who look fear in the face and slap the doubts away with a quick burst of boldness, men who are comfortable in their own skin, men who’ve learned that sharing weakness is a sign of strength.
We need more integral men whose values align with their actions, who do what they say they’ll do, men who ooze integrity, embody self-awareness, and know that responsibility is a privilege.
We need more accepting men who understand that it’s okay to feel things, to say things, to see things differently, men who defiantly embrace their pain as a growth invitation, an ongoing initiation, a gift, a present to treasure and unwrap, a package to share at all times and not just when asked, demanded, or reprimanded. We need more men who accept that our sorrow is sacred, our hardships are holy, and the whole damn point of life is to feel alive.
We need more supported men being told there is no such thing as failure, that it doesn’t exist. There are opportunities, growth, and lessons learned instead, stepping stones to success dressed up as remorse, regret, and distress, yes, but there is never failure, not as long as we remember to forge and follow the path our heart beats, and to express what it says. Failure is a ruse, a ghost, an invisible man dressed up as an angry boss behind a great big desk with a big red pen waiting to mark up the answers we live, but really, how can you fail in the middle of a test? How can you fail when you’re not done yet?
That’s all life is – a test of how bad we want to become who we are, and how far we’re willing to fall to earn our scars, and to learn our scars, like our hearts, keep us going instead of knocking us down.
Until we all decide to change and bravely behave in new and different ways, it will all stay the same.
And that’s just not good enough, no matter how sensitive men become.
10,000% agree. I see this every day as a therapist.